


I Against I

by solitaryjane



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Explicit Language, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 15:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3901960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solitaryjane/pseuds/solitaryjane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Bookmen disappeared when Kanda buried Alma. Now, three years later, they've come back, and Kanda regains what he has lost. Or does he? An almost-end-of-world fic. Kanda/Lavi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** First multi-chapter fic, yay! This takes place in canon but diverges greatly after the Alma arc. It also is a sort-of sequel to "You and Me and the Devil Makes Three", but you don't need to read that fic to understand this.

Takes place three years after Kanda gets the crystalized Mugen. The Bookmen have been missing throughout this time. Implies Lavi and Kanda were together for quite a while before, and most of the Order knows about it.

 **Warning:**  Language and violence. Some sexual things happen later but nothing explicit. Rated M for disturbing situations, torture scars, and possibly PTSD.

  

**I Against I**

It was raining.

Typical, Kanda thought. It was raining on the day the world was supposed to end. Cold water drenched through his gloves, soaking Mugen’s hilt as the crystal sword hummed against his palm. Beside him Lavi adjusted the grip on the Iron Hammer. The redhead was fidgeting, taut with nervous energy, hair plastered to his forehead as the rain poured down. Kanda considered it a miracle that he was here with him, but then again weren’t it all a miracle, that any of them were still here, standing, a field of broken lives and tarnished dreams, destined for this day.

Kanda raised his blade, changing his defensive stance into something more deadly. Ahead of them thousands of Akumas loomed in the distance. Somewhere in that throng sat the Millennium Earl, protected by a literal wall of dying souls and the eight remaining Noahs. Kanda’s General uniform stuck uncomfortably to his skin. It was freezing out here, in the open field and the sleety rain. If he weren’t made to withstand such discomforts he would’ve been very cross indeed.

“You ready?” Lavi asked, not a hint of mirth in his voice. Kanda looked over – the redhead was staring into the distance, his free hand wiping the water away from his eyes. The Science Department had finished the former Bookman apprentice’s new prosthetic a day ago, a pure aesthetic choice that Lavi had requested. The color wasn’t perfect; off just enough to be noticeably mismatched, and definitely would take a bit to get used to. But Lavi said it was a good thing, a necessary reminder of where he had come from. Kanda agreed.

“As ever,” he replied, lifting Mugen higher. Neither side had made a move yet. Kanda didn’t know what the Earl was waiting for; _he_ was waiting for the signal from Lenalee. The girl – the Heart – was directing the entire operation from the back, guarded by the ever-present Allen Walker. The Exorcists were so severely outnumbered that the only way they could even hope to win was to stick to the discussed strategy to the letter. Kanda sneered. What a joke this was. Humanity’s last chance was less than fifty people against ten thousand monsters. If he weren’t personally on the front lines he would’ve never believed it.

“Yu,” a rumble of thunder nearly drowned out Lavi’s voice. Kanda turned, saw the hand extended toward his direction and reached back. Their fingers intertwined as the heat transpired between them, just for a moment, through the gloves and the cold, pelting water. It was an assurance that they were in this together, and no matter what happened, he’d still have him to fall back on.

A sharp whistle sounded shrilly behind them, followed by a burst from Noise Marie’s Organon. That was the signal. Kanda let go, both hands returning to grip Mugen’s hilt. He took in a deep breath, felt the tension and the power ripping through his muscles, and charged.


	2. Chapter 2

_Six months prior_  

Kanda was in Germany when he got the news. He was doing reconnaissance work in preparation for a potential Noah sighting, and when the Finder brought the golem to him with unconstrained excitement Kanda was skeptical and very annoyed. He took the receiver, expecting to hear some mundane news about Komui’s new invention, but Lenalee’s crying voice caught him by surprise.

“Kanda, Kanda,” the girl sobbed. “They’ve come back!”

“Who?”

“Bookman and, and, and…” she had to swallow three times before finishing. By then Kanda’s eyes were wide and the receiver was beginning to crack under his clenching fingers. “…and Lavi. They came back an hour ago! They’re not –”

Kanda hung up and immediately ran out the room. The Finder chased after him, yelling about their destination and lack of transport but Kanda heard nothing. He needed to go back – now! He was sure Lenalee wouldn’t lie to him about something this big but he couldn’t believe it. Wouldn’t until he could see it (him) with his own eyes. The dead did not return. He would run the whole goddamn way back to Headquarters if he had to.

Fortunately the Finder was quite competent and managed to get them onto an early winter supply train. Kanda spent the next night and day riding in a bumpy boxcar, the roar of the tracks in his ears and the smell of coal assaulting his nostrils. He slept little and ate less, only stared at Mugen in silence, grateful that the Finder for once was shrewd enough to leave him well alone.

He made it back to Headquarters two days after the call, sleep-deprived but otherwise little worse for wear. A quick inquiry and he was dashing up the stairs toward Komui’s office. The Bookmen had been confined to the infirmary (for observation, he was told) for the past 48 hours and had just begun their official report this morning. He skidded to a halt when he almost crashed right into Allen, who was standing outside the office with Lenalee in tow.

“Kanda!” the white-haired boy exclaimed. “You can’t go in there! Komui said – “

Kanda didn’t bother yelling, just roughly pushed Allen out of the way and slammed his fist into the door. It swung open on the first hit, the heavy wood crashed into the wall with a bang. Behind him he heard Allen’s protest and Lenalee shushing him. Kanda ignored them and stormed in, ruffling up a tornado of papers on the way.

“See? I just saved you from reinstalling new doors.” An all-too-familiar voice he thought he’d never hear again said.

Kanda stared.

Lavi was sitting in a chair in front of Komui’s desk, head propped on one hand and giving him a lazy, content smile. The hair was longer but the same vibrant red, the eyepatch new and the bandanna missing. He was dressed in a loose shirt and green trousers, Iron Hammer a small toy in the holster strapped to his thigh. Thinner than Kanda remembered, Lavi’s face was two shades too pale, which only made the green eye appear all the more stark.

“You,” Kanda was surprised by how steady his voice was. “You’re supposed to be dead.”

Lavi laughed. “Yu-chan, is this any way to greet an old friend? Plus, I distinctly remember telling you how hard it was for me to croak, no? Although the nurses did think I was a walking corpse until this morning, but that’s beside the point.”

Kanda felt Mugen slip from his fingers and clattered onto the floor. He crossed the room in two strides, hands reaching to yank the redhead up, out of the comfort of the chair. “Yu!” Lavi protested, limbs flailing in the air. “If you’re going to kill me can you at least do it _after_ I make the full report? I mean otherwise all we’ve done in the past months would’ve been for noth –”

He didn’t get to finish because Kanda’s mouth was on his, effectively sealing off his words with a full kiss. Lavi made a whimpering noise, hands came up to push on Kanda’s chest. Kanda felt the man struggle against him and somewhere in his mind he gave pause. But his mouth was persistent – he hadn’t felt those lips in so long, long enough to make Kanda desperate – and this unfamiliar coyness only spurred him to kiss deeper, harder, invading the other’s mouth like a hungry parasite and drinking in the bittersweet taste.

Someone coughed very loudly, and Kanda’s muddled brain dimly registered that they were nowhere near alone in the room. The distraction was enough for Lavi to successfully disentangle himself from Kanda’s embrace. Kanda let go, watch the redhead drop back into the chair, and saw Komui’s stern expression behind his desk.

“Kanda-san, aren’t you supposed to be in Frankfurt?”

“I was.” Kanda said.

Komui pinched the bridge of his nose. “So what’re you doing here?”

“Seeing a ghost.”

“Two ghosts,” Bookman cut in. The old man was standing a few feet away, dressed in a similar green as Lavi. He looked even older than before, the hollow of his cheeks a yellow husk, and the ponytail on top was streaked with white. “As much as I regret to break up this…reunion, Junior and I have business to report. If you please.” He gestured toward the door, a not-so-subtle cue for Kanda to leave.

“Tch,” Kanda huffed. As reluctantly he was to admit the old man was right. They were two dead men who had come back from the clutch of the Noah. There was just too much information to be gained. He gave one more look at the redhead in the chair, who had purposely turned away, long hair blocking his face. Kanda frowned. Something else was off aside from the obvious resurrection. He couldn’t really say what, though, so he simply spun on his heels, picked Mugen back up, and stalked out of the door.

Once outside Lenalee rushed up to him, grabbing onto his hands. “You saw them, too, right?” the girl said, her voice a pitch frantic. “They’re both alive, actually alive. This is not a dream, is it? Is it?”

She burst into tears. Kanda sighed, but gently squeezed her hands. “No.” he said, still vaguely tasting Lavi on his tongue. “It’s not a dream.”

“When they came in he was so frail the nurses had to hook him up to the machines in the science lab.” Lenalee babbled. “They said he hadn’t properly eaten in months, and they had to dig into him to get those parasites out. Brother said after Chaoji we couldn’t be too careful but you didn’t – he was screaming so loud we all heard it from our rooms. I was – I couldn’t – do anything –”

Kanda felt like he had been stabbed in the back. “ _What_?” he spat, not believing his ears. He just _saw_ Lavi, and he was _fine_. The redhead looked and acted just _fine_!

“Didn’t you see him in there?” Allen’s tone was accusatory. “Did you think he was sitting down because he was lazy or something? Gosh, he could barely walk. Marie had to practically carry him up the stairs.”

Acted. Of course he acted. Kanda closed his eyes. Now all the details began to surface. The high collar on the shirt, covering all of his body but especially the neck. The too-loose trousers that bunched against his hips. The way he was sitting and the fact that he never made an attempt to move out of the chair. Kanda cursed at himself. Why didn’t he notice how odd it was that the apprentice was sitting down but his aged master stood beside him? Why didn’t he realize that he found Lavi pushing against him unusual not because the redhead was doing it, but because he _couldn’t do it_ effectively? If it were before Lavi would have no trouble shoving Kanda away – and he did, plenty of times – but today Kanda had barely used a quarter of his strength. Fuck, how could he have been so fucking _blind_?

It probably was a blessing that he was in Germany when the Bookmen turned up. Otherwise Kanda might not have been able to stay in his room and listen to…whatever Lenalee had just described. For a second he had the urge to storm back inside Komui’s office and rip apart the pretense. They should be past that, he and Lavi. There should be nothing artificial between them, there _was_ nothing artificial between them and hadn’t been since –

Three years was a long time, Kanda suddenly realized. A lot could happen – had happened – in three years. He had buried his past love, both of them, with his bare hands. He had tended his foster father’s funeral after General Tiedoll had taken both Tyki Mikk and Sheril with him to the grave. He had seen what the 14th looked like in bouts of insanity, and how Allen Walker, the insignificant beansprout, managed to conquer one of the oldest Noahs alive and came out still an Exorcist to the Order. He had seen Lenalee’s Innocence shatter, then re-crystalize, then shatter again, her legs now a mangled mess held together by her blood and nothing else. He had seen Chaoji getting ripped apart by the parasites inside him with no time for a single scream. Now, he saw his lost love return, after god knows what the Noahs had done, and smiled at him like no time had passed between them at all.

“Fuck, I’m an idiot,” he finally said, leaning back against the hallway wall.

“For once, Kanda,” Allen said dryly, “I can’t find anything to disagree.” 

 

 

Komui wanted to send him back to Germany right after but Kanda refused. He was a General after all, and with that title came more autonomy than what Komui could affect. The Director didn’t give up, though, insisting that the mission was pivotal and Kanda was the only one suited for the job. It was such a transparent lie that Kanda didn’t bother to argue. He wasn’t going to budge from the halls of the Headquarters until he had wrung every drop of truth from the Bookmen, and there was absolutely nothing anyone could say to deter him.

He found the Junior Bookman outside the infirmary, a lone and solemn figure sitting on a hallway bench. The redhead had donned their new Exorcist garb, its blue accents clashed terribly with the color of his hair. Lenalee told him that they were to dispatch Lavi on a mission as soon as he could reasonably handle his Innocence again. Utter bullshit, Kanda thought. Central had wanted to send the Bookmen out as soon as they had stepped through the doors. The war was closing in, and two more Exorcists meant their chance of survival had risen by quite a margin, considering the number of them left, and should be utilized as soon as possible. It must’ve taken some serious rhetoric for Komui to delay it for even this long.

It didn’t mean Kanda agree with it. It certainly didn’t mean the sight of the man too skinny to fill out his uniform didn’t make Kanda seethe.

Lavi had on his usual quirky smile when he approached him. Kanda stopped in front of the bench, close enough that should he reach out he could touch the redhead’s lips with his fingertips. He didn’t, instead just gave Lavi a very hardened glare.

“Yu-chan,” Lavi spoke, eye tracing up his General uniform toward his face. “Do you need something from me?”

“It’s General Kanda now, you moron,” Kanda said. “Show some respect.”

Lavi laughed. It was a laugh that Kanda had never heard before, self-deprecating and wild like the punchline of a private joke. It was also the first and only sign so far that indicated this wasn’t quite the same Lavi he had ( _had_ ) before. The confusion must’ve shown on his face, for Lavi stopped laughing abruptly, expression settled back to neutral amusement.

“Aww, Yu, don’t be like that. So you’ve been promoted – congrats; it’s well past time, I say. Let me guess: you’re here because you want to know what had happened to us the past three years, right?”

Kanda only crossed his arms, not rising to the bait. Lavi smiled again, before looking away from Kanda’s glares with a soft sigh.

“Both Gramps and I gave Komui our full report, on everything. With your rank you shouldn’t have any problem accessing those, so why’re you asking me?”

“I rather hear it directly from your own mouth.”

“Should’ve realized how much you still like my mouth, Yu-chan.”

“Cut the crap,” Kanda snapped, patience wearing thin. He felt like they have reverted way back, to the days when Lavi avoided Kanda with his obvious flirtations and Kanda avoided Lavi with his immaculate discipline. He could still see through some of the redhead’s mannerisms, however, and what he saw was someone throwing words around in order to stall.

Lavi sighed again, accepting defeat but expression remained unperturbed. “Alright, Yu,” he said, brushing back his long, messy hair. Kanda caught a glimpse of the exposed neck, the skin smooth and pale above the uniform collar. He felt a hint of arousal and almost shook his head in contempt. Well, nice to know that his libido had only been dormant and not dead. All he had to endure was one year of longing and two years of grief. A fucking cakewalk.

“Shall we go, then?”

“What?”

“Yu, if you want me to just tell you everything in the middle of this hallway, that’s fine, too. But I figure you’d want to go somewhere that has more than one wall and no foot traffic, yeah?”

Lavi was giving him the same amused look he’d worn whenever he had done something stupid according to Lavi logic, which was way too many for Kanda’s liking. “Fine,” Kanda said, abruptly turning and stomping down the hall. He heard Lavi’s soft footsteps behind him, just far enough so he could draw Mugen without hindrance but close enough to let him know he got his back. It was a pattern the two of them had formed from years of fighting together, and the familiarity was enough to make Kanda feel a faint, dull ache in his chest. 

 

 

They ended up in a secluded section on the second floor of the library. The shelves were filled with old sea charts and maps of all sorts. The oil lamps on the walls were kept dim to prevent the atlases from fading into an unintelligible mess of shapes and lines. Because of the size of the maps the tables were large mahogany monstrosities complete with small, rickety stools. There was a single chaise wedged against a shelf with a yellow-green coverlet. It was sufficiently large, however, for two people to sit comfortably as long as they were somewhat upright.

But of course Lavi didn’t bother to take that into account. He sprawled against the wooden armrest, body slanted sideways and long legs stretched out, taking up two-third of the cushions and forcing Kanda to be crushed against the other armrest. He also had a perfect view of Kanda without needing to turn his head. Kanda sat with his legs crossed, something he usually didn’t do, but he rather be closed off than trying to vie for space against Lavi right now. They were here to talk, not to banter. Kanda wasn’t going to waste any more time arguing about inconsequential things like seating etiquette.

“After all this time,” Lavi again spoke first, “you’re still as beautiful as I remembered, Yu.”

“It really hasn’t been _that_ long,” Kanda said dryly, even though he felt like he hadn’t seen the junior Bookman for ages, either. He attributed that more to thinking the redhead was dead than anything else, though.

Lavi’s laugh was short and hollow, a mockery of amusement and just cruel enough for Kanda to snap to attention and stare at the redhead with incredulity and suspicion. _Who the hell is this?_ he thought, blue eyes narrowed. He couldn’t tell if this was a new mask Lavi had conjured to protect himself or the real man, the one Kanda had gotten to know with their shared history, warped beyond measure under the Noah’s sadistic hands. Subconsciously he moved further away, the arm of the chaise digging into his sides and Mugen’s presence stirring by his feet.

“You know, those Noahs, they really mess with your head.” Lavi said, as if reading his mind. “And I’m not even talking about Road. Sometimes I lose track of, well, everything. Can you imagine? The Bookman apprentice losing his memory. I didn’t know where I was, or who I was supposed to be, or anything else, really. Thought I’d died, and all that was happening was just my head giving up the last bit.”

Kanda had read the reports. All of the pages that he had access to, at least. He also read the medical files and knew exactly what had happened to Lavi, down to the last cut of skin and break of bone. He knew the Noahs had tortured him for eight months and twenty-two days before finally giving up on Bookman and releasing them to a nearby forest. They spent the next ten months in a remote village on the outskirts, Bookman working with the village doctor to nurse Lavi back to a semblance of what he once was. It was a miracle that no Akuma or Noah attacked them during the interim, although Bookman was sure, at least in his reports, that the Earl knew perfectly well where they were.

Kanda had never been conquered by mere words but the description in the report sent his stomach roiling. The Noahs were thorough, using every trick in the book and drawing out the process like molasses. Bookman had noted that for a period of six months after their release Lavi didn’t speak a word. Not to anyone, didn’t even make an excessive noise. At night, however, the redhead frequently screamed himself awake from nightmare-plagued sleep. Sometimes Bookman had to physically tie his hands to prevent him from hurting himself. Kanda nearly tore the pages apart when he got through the section, only abstained because he knew Bookman would never rewrite the report should it be damaged. He didn’t quite understand why the old man had included it, though – it was neither Innocence- nor Noah-related business, more fitting in private accounts than in the official Order files. But then again his own history, along with Alma’s, were included at Komui’s insistence, so maybe the Director had forced the old man’s hand.

The files after that were all sealed. From where the narrative left off Kanda deduced that the Bookmen had traveled around the world but never reappeared as Exorcists. If they had killed any Akuma they didn’t inform anyone. Kanda supposed the files were locked because they were strictly Bookmen business, which was completely irrelevant to their war but he was once again puzzled why it was included in the first place. Lavi’s account he couldn’t access at all. He had asked Komui about it and received no reply, which only made the whole thing even more suspicious. It was a big part of the reason why he had to talk to Lavi himself. That, and, to assess whether this ghost was the same man he had mourned, the one who had captured all of Kanda Yu and gave him the strength to let the past go.

So far it didn’t look very promising.

“They’re dead now,” he said to the redhead, turning to fully face him. “The ones who’d hurt you. Tiedoll killed them.”

Lavi gave him a wry smile. “I heard. Didn’t believe it when Gramps told me, actually. I mean I know Noahs can be killed – you did it once – but those two, well. Seems like they’d find a way to return, somehow, in spirit or another dimension or, something, you know?”

Kanda didn’t. He watched Lavi curl into himself, hands absentmindedly going to a certain part of his chest. There was a deep scar there, Kanda knew, right below his heart where one of the Noahs – presumably Tyki – had reached in and cut a chunk of muscle straight from the bone. The thought made him grind his teeth.

Lavi noticed him watching. He shifted, relaxing his grip, eye scanning Kanda’s face like an open book. “I still see their faces when they pretended to talk to me. Asked me all these questions that they knew I didn’t have an answer to. Seven and a half month there and I couldn’t even recall the type of chair I was tied to, but I could tell you about the shirt Tyki wore on the day he tried to tear out my liver. Crazy.”

“Eight,” Kanda said, then immediately realized he had just given himself away.

“So you _did_ read the reports! That includes my med files, too, no? Kanda, what exactly do you want from me? And don’t say ‘from my own mouth’ again because I know you don’t like to waste time to hear the same thing twice.”

The use of his formal name caught Kanda off guard. Lavi looked serious, all casual demeanor gone from his posture. Kanda sighed; it had been naïve to think he could lie to a man who lived on lies. _But you got past all of that before_ , a voice in his head said. _You got through to his true self. Do you have to do it all over again now?_

 “I only read Bookman’s recount,” he said, coming clean. “Anything after your stay in the village is sealed. Your entire personal recollection is sealed, too.”

“Huh?” It was Lavi’s turn to look surprised. “That shouldn’t be. I saw Komui marking the clearance himself; someone like you should be able to access all of it. I wonder why...”

“It doesn’t matter. I can’t get to it, and that’s that.” He could practically see the gears turning in Lavi’s head, trying to solve this puzzle. “Tell me what happened afterwards. After you recovered. Why didn’t you return to the Order right away?”

“Would you believe me if I said I don’t know?”

“No.”

Lavi smiled again. It was the same one Kanda had seen back near the infirmary, desperate and unrecognizable. “I’m not lying, Yu, haven’t had to for a long time. I don’t know why. Gramps said we needed to lay low for a while so we did. We went to Asia – Mongolia, mostly, and a good chunk of northern China – ramped up my training out there on the grasslands. Gotta be a full-fledged Bookman soon.”

“Were there any Akuma?”

“Some, yes. But we didn’t fight them, just ran and hid like everyone else. I heard news about the Exorcists from time to time. Even saw Lenalee once. Her legs – she…still had them back then, her real legs, I mean.  I nearly forgot how shapely they were…”

Lavi trailed off, staring into a spot on the bookshelf behind them. _Unlike now_ , the unspoken words said. A year ago a level 4 Akuma had ripped the crystal Innocence cleanly from Lenalee’s body, severing both of her legs in the process. Kanda could never forget the vile disgust he felt when the Innocence shattered as it hit the ground, only coagulated back into stalks of blood to reattach themselves back to the girl’s missing half. The tendrils moved as if alive, swallowing up the Akuma as it expanded to cling onto Lenalee, who screamed until her voice broke and passed out from the pain.

Since then her Dark Boots essentially became her legs. Komui had made her a mechanical chair but she never used it, insisting on keeping the Innocence activated despite the toll it was taking on her body. She still smiled liked her old self, only breaking down when she was in Kanda’s room in the dead of night. He was the only one she had confided to, said Allen or even Komui wouldn’t understand since they had never permanently lost something so important. Not like Kanda did. Kanda wondered what she’d think now, since one of the things he had lost had come back. Something her legs could never do.

When Lavi spoke again his voice was so soft that Kanda had to strain to hear. “So much had happened since we were gone. I know there was bound to be changes but I never thought – if I had known this would happen I would’ve tried everything to convince Gramps to come back and help. I swear, Yu, I had no idea. I thought the Order was doing fine! Figured with the way the Noahs were panicking things were progressing well, that it was all under control. Then we came back and everyone was so relieved – not because of us but because there are so few of us and two more is that significant. And what you and Lenalee and everyone had gone through – I had no idea, Yu! You have to believe me!”

By the end he was half-shouting, his voice a broken plea echoing through the library floor. Kanda was tempted to pull out Mugen to keep the redhead from spiraling into hysterics, Lavi was clutching his head, fingers digging into his skull as his body curled tight on the cushioned seat, his Innocence hummed and rattled in its holster as his owner shook like a falling leaf.

Kanda put a hand on the redhead’s trembling knees, trying to calm him. “I believe you,” he said, and meant it. When Lavi tried to pull away he didn’t let go, only hardened his grip. It seemed to work. After a minute of silent struggle Lavi sagged against the armrest, and let his hands fall to his sides.

When he looked up again he had on his old, transparent smile. “You really have changed, Yu. The old you would’ve hit me in the head with Mugen a dozen times by now.”

Kanda promptly dropped his hand. “I can still do that.” He retorted, relieved but at the same reached for Mugen. He slammed the cold metal into the space beside Lavi’s head, although he kept it sheathed.

“Ah, I was wondering when I’d see this up close again. Got really pretty,” Lavi glanced at the sword, which had evolved further since Kanda had first pulled it out of himself. “You kept it sharp for me?”

The voice was teasing and words grating but Kanda only felt desire rising in his chest. It was too much like their old routine, the way that Lavi seemed to be flirting. He leaned forward, free hand reaching to grab the long hair, to pull the redhead close and claim that kiss he had started back in Komui’s office, uninterrupted this time.

But Lavi immediately backed away, sliding out of the seat like an eel and leaving Kanda alone on the chaise. “Well, look at the time, Yu. Gramps must be worried sick by now.” He stretched and popped his back, deliberately ignoring Kanda’s eyes following the curve of his spine. “I’ll see you around, yeah? Maybe when I pass my medicals we can go on a mission together, General Kanda.”

Lavi winked at him before turning and sauntering toward the exit. Kanda stared at the retreating figure, surprise quickly turning into anger. He stood up, unsheathed Mugen and with a full swing, chopped the offending chaise cleanly in two.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** So sorry this took forever! With the way the story's set up I basically have to finish writing the whole thing before I can get to this section. Well, the good news is that the rest of the story will come fairly quickly from now on, since I'm mostly done. So there's that.

 **Warning:**  Things get a bit gory from now. Graphic violence ahead.

 

_Present day_

The explosion from an Akuma knocked Kanda off his feet. He flew backwards, Mugen slicing through the air and inadvertently cutting several level 1s in half. From his peripheral vision he saw the bulk of a large level 3 looming behind him. There wasn't time to adjust Mugen so Kanda braced himself for impact, and was mildly surprised when someone flew into him and tumbled the both of them onto the ground.

The blood-encrusted claws and the flourish of the cape indicated it was Crowley. The vampire rolled off quickly, checking to see if either of them had been hit. Miranda's Time Record would erase everything for now but all the Exorcists kept tallies on their injuries. Kanda had it easy; he only had to make sure he didn't get his head cleanly blown to pieces, everything else, he was sure, would heal just fine.

He only had time to briefly acknowledge the help before Crowley leapt back up, Innocence blood ejecting like arrows to pierce the hordes of Akuma in his wake. The field was steadily thinning out of the lower levels. Kanda could make out the cluster of level 3s and 4s in the distance, rapidly shrinking from the onslaught of all the Exorcists. Over the din of battle he could hear Socalo's Madness clashing with Toraido's massive sword, Noise Marie's strings reverberating along with the shriek of Lao Jimin, and the rush of dual whirlwinds from Lavi's enhanced Wood Seal. Kanda invoked the Second Illusion and split Mugen in two. It was too early to break out his life-sapping tricks just yet, but it never hurt to be ready.

The continuous explosions of lesser Akuma drowned out the various noises, and Kanda, for a moment, felt a muddle in head as his eyes began to lose focus. Visions of shriveled lotus and roiling mud swarmed in front of him, quickly replaced by the bright light in the form of Alma Karma. His consciousness recoiled as his arms began to move in auto-defense. A sharp pain pierced into him, sucking out his breath as he jerked up. Kanda looked down and saw yellow, spear-like tendrils protruding from his chest. They writhed in his flesh, sinking deep through his body and wrapping around his torso. When he directed his blades to cut them it felt like he was severing his own limbs. Kanda gritted his teeth, barely managed to keep from screaming.

A crackling sound thundered behind him, propelling him forward in a push of cold front. Kanda stumbled to his knees, and turned just in time to see a massive sheet of ice penetrating the muddy ground. It cut off the yellow tendrils, rendering them to harmless wisps of hair follicles. A moment later Lavi landed beside him with an invoked Water Seal floating above. He swung the Hammer in a wide arc, killing the encroaching circle of Akuma and started a Combo that put up a temporary barrier.

Kanda's head cleared and the pressure on his chest disappeared. “I could've handled that myself,” he said to the redhead, spitting out a gob of bloody phlegm.

“It's Wisely,” Lavi ignored his comment. “He's messing with all of our heads. Miranda's group's trying to take him down, but, well, guess it works more on people whose mind he's already seen.”

“You can call Bookman by his name, you know.”

“Yu, please, not n – _look out_!”

Lavi pushed them apart just as the ice wall splintered open. It broke into a thousand shards, mixing with the existing rain and sleet. An onrush of air brought out a figure dressed in crimson, long black-and-gold hair fanned out in sharp deadly points. He walked through Lavi's barrier like it didn't exist, two over-sized guns held in each hand. Kanda cursed as Mugen hummed brightly. Lavi pulled his Hammer back, wielded it in front of him with the Seals pulled in.

“Why, hello again,” Jasdevi grinned. “Wow, Bookman Junior, haven't seen you since Sheril took out those nice chunk of meat. It was delicious cooked but we’d have preferred the raw bits, hehe. Too bad the vampire grandpa doesn't want to play. We were really hoping for a rematch.”

The Noah of Bonds licked his lips as the two Generals raised their weapons. “Come come,” he twirled, razor hair still tipped with Kanda's blood. “Let's get this dinner started,  _friends_.”


	4. Chapter 4

_Six weeks prior_

The entire Order was in mourning when Komui was killed. Lenalee cried for days on top of his casket, refusing to be moved or consoled. Allen was distraught, over their defeat, his grief, her love. On the opposite side of Headquarters Kanda lay in the infirmary. The battle had almost torn him from limb to limb; he couldn't feel his hands or feet for days after, and the knitting of flesh was painstakingly slow. Looking back, had he been in better condition he could've prevented a lot of the subsequent events from happening, but then it would've changed their shared path, and might not be for the better.

When Kanda finally stepped out of the sick green doors he was greeted by a now overly distraught Allen. At once Kanda knew something else was wrong, because the beansprout was looking at him like Kanda was his only chance for salvation. "It's Lavi," Allen said to him. "He's…it's better if you just come with me."

At the sound of that name Kanda inwardly groaned. In the past four months since the Bookmen's return he had barely seen the redhead, they being on separate missions half the time and Lavi doing Bookmen work the other half. He had tried to corner Lavi a few times, only to have the man slip away with expert extraction skills. Kanda knew when he wasn't wanted. But he still wanted to hear why.

Allen was looking at him expectantly as Kanda stood there, unmoving. "He needs help, Kanda." The white-haired Exorcist elaborated, seemingly afraid that Kanda would turn and walk away. "We tried but we can't get through. It –"

"Moyashi, just shut up and walk." Kanda cut him off. They were all very aware of the strained relationship he had with Lavi nowadays, and so he knew he could only be the last resort. Allen didn't argue about his nickname, for once, only nodded and resumed his way.

They walked through the eerily silent halls where Finders and Exorcists alike spoke in whispered tones. Kanda was confused when they walked right past the room that Lavi shared with his master, in which the door was ajar and Bookman sat alone, a smoking pipe in his hand. They ended up right outside Kanda's own room. Allen was anxiously twisting his hands, the cursed arm scraping against the pull of the bandages.

"He's locked himself in your room ever since Komui's burial." Allen explained. "It's been four days and he hadn't come out once. We wanted to force the door open but Lenalee said that we should wait for you, and I had Marie listen in to make sure he didn't…hurt himself. All Marie would say was he was lying down, but his vitals were fine. You gotta help him, Kanda. We have no idea what to do."

 _And you think_ I _do?_ Kanda thought harshly. He hadn't even had a full set of conversation with the redhead since the time in the library.  _Looks like I'll get my chance now_ , he thought sardonically, and felt rage rising in his chest.  _Idiot rabbit, what the fuck are you trying to pull here? You're not the only one who's hurt and disheartened, and certainly not the only one in mourning._

To say he wasn't marginally worried would be false. But Kanda disliked playing the savior even more than he disliked playing the damned. However, Allen was looking at him so pleadingly, something he had rarely seen in the younger boy, and the facts he told Kanda were troublesome, indeed.

He knocked on the door even though he had the keys in his pants pocket. "Open up, idiot," he yelled, the effect dimmed somewhat by the hoarseness in his voice. Spending a week in and out of consciousness would do that to the vocal chords, he thought, and knocked again. When no answer came after a full minute Kanda scoffed and pulled out the key. He gave Allen a look that said 'don't leave yet' before stepping inside, closing the door behind him.

Lavi was lying on his bed, eye open and staring at the ceiling. His red hair, now reaching past his shoulder blades, spread out on the pillow like a curtain of fire. He didn't move when Kanda came in.

"Get the fuck off my bed," Kanda said. "And go take a shower. You look like shit."

Lavi ignored him. Kanda didn't like the vacant look in his eye. He stalked to the bed, yanked the redhead up by his shirt and tried to bodily haul him off. But Lavi quickly grabbed onto his hand and pressed it down on his chest. It didn't hurt but the grip was firm, and Kanda found himself unable to leverage properly. He would've used his other hand had Lavi not spoken up then.

"Yu," the redhead's voice was a monotonous drawl. "Komui's gone."

Kanda felt a sharp wrench in his chest. But he had been through this too many times, and the collective grief had taken the bite out of a single incident like this.

"We're at war." He replied. "People die."

He saw the green eye flash in anger before Lavi leapt up from the prone position to throw a punch in his direction. Kanda knew his recovering body would be too slow to dodge so he just caught it, felt the force as it connected with his palm but didn't let go. Lavi struck again, swinging his other arm but Kanda caught that also. He flicked his hands down to grab the wrists, pulled the redhead off his feet, and slammed him into the wall beside his bed.

"Get a fucking grip!" Kanda snarled. He realized how hard he had thrown the redhead when Lavi's breath caught and a pained groan escaped his lips, but Kanda was too angry to care. "This war's far from over. Move on."

"God, even you sound like him." Lavi spat. "You all want me to treat this like some fucking statistic. Ink on paper, a blip in the overall things. 'A Bookman doesn't have feelings' he says. Komui's body wasn't even cold when he started talking about those goddamn records. Lenalee was screaming her lungs out and I was on the floor trying to get the number of the dead right. You ever tried to do mathematics while listening to your friends shriek in pain? How convenient, how lucky for you, to pass out and just be dead to all the wailing and grief. Well, I didn't have that luxury, Kanda. I never did. While the rest of you moved on I had to write and recall and remember every death, every defeat, every loss we've suffered for  _years_! How could he expect  _anyone_  to stay sane and detached after that? I'm fucking sick of this, Kanda. Sick and tired. I can't do this anymore, I really, can't –"

Lavi's eye rolled to the back of his head as the emotion and exhaustion caught up with him. He slumped forward, into Kanda's strained arms and passed out against the swordsman's chest. Kanda barely had time to react and hold him up.  _My god_ , he stood there, stunned. Lenalee was right. No one else was prepared to handle this. Kanda didn't know if he should be glad or pissed that they shoved this burden his way. What the hell did they expect him to do? What could he fucking possibly do to remedy  _this_?

Still he had to try. He wanted to try. Kanda shifted his grip and lifted Lavi up, arm hooking below the redhead's knees so he could carry him properly back to the bed. He saw his own fingerprints marring the thin wrists and felt a brief pang of guilt. How did Lavi's psyche deteriorate into this mess without anyone noticing? Someone had to have sensed the crack in the relationship between the Bookman and his apprentice. Hell, Kanda definitely would've, had Lavi not been actively avoiding him all these months.

It suddenly occurred to him that this could possibly be one of the reasons for the redhead's disappearance act. What was Lavi afraid of? That Kanda would know he had a heart after all? He had known that long ago, when they shared a bed for the first time. Even as Lavi rewrapped himself into thick clothes and thicker masks it still didn't convince Kanda otherwise. No, it had to be something else.

But the soul searching and the conjectures had to wait. Right now he needed to bring a broken Exorcist back from the brink. Kanda smoothed back a strand of red hair on the pillow, planted a chaste kiss on Lavi's forehead, and strode decidedly out of his room.

 

 

Allen was sitting against the door when Kanda exited. The boy jumped up when he emerged, questions immediately spilling out of his mouth. Kanda put up a finger to shush the gush of words, and only said "Watch him for a bit" before walking down the hall, ignoring Allen's confused look and bystanders' stares.

The cafeteria was almost empty when he reached it; it was early morning after all. Jerry cheerfully greeted him when he came up to the window. "Your usual, Kanda-san?" the cook asked, reaching behind him to grab the soba noodles sitting in a pot. Kanda shook his head.

"Not today," he said. Jerry, shocked, pulled down his sunglasses to give him an inquisitive look. "Tiedoll used to bring us this soup when we were on the road. He said it's your specialty?"

"Everything's my specialty, darling," Jerry flashed Kanda a wide, bright smile. "But don't you worry, dear, I know exactly what you're talking about. Give me ten minutes. I'll put it in a nice secure container for you to carry up, ok?" He blew him a kiss, and Kanda would've blushed if his mind weren't so preoccupied. He heard the sound of cooking and backed away from the window, crossing his arms as he waited.

True to Jerry's word, the soup was done in less than ten. He handed Kanda a plain black container, complete with a handle and a top slotted with a spoon. "Good luck," the cook sang out his departing words. Kanda dipped his head in acknowledgement, before heading back to his quarters. It certainly wasn't usual for him to get food for someone else. Tiedoll would've cried and stammered how attentive he had become if he were still alive, Kanda thought, irritated and wistful.

Lavi was awake when he returned. Allen sat on the bed, talking to the redhead more to keep him conscious than anything else. The white-haired boy jumped up when Kanda came in. "That was quick," Allen exclaimed. "I told him you'd be back soon, but I wasn't sure how long – wait, what's that?" he pointed to the container in Kanda's hand, nose crinkling. "It…it smells delicious!"

"It's not for you, moyashi," Kanda scoffed, hauling Allen out of the room. "Now scram."

"Hey you jerk I was just –" Allen started to argue, but Kanda slammed the door shut and ignored the muffled protest coming from the other side.

"That was very mean, Yu," Lavi chuckled. "Allen was keeping me company."

Kanda put the soup down to examine the redhead. Lavi's eye was bloodshot as he leaned heavily against the headboard. But there were no sign of the outburst from moments before, and the expression Lavi wore was guarded but calm. He was looking at the container curiously, devoid of a Bookman's analysis. Kanda sighed. There were so many questions unanswered but all that could wait.

When he opened the lid a delectable smell quickly fill the room. It was a chicken and dumplings soup, the creamy broth was a rich brown with bits of fat floating on top. Kanda had to hold back a smile. He remembered Tiedoll giving him something like it every time he was injured while they were traveling, and he had always complained about how not-soba it was but still ate every drop. Although there was no way Jerry could pull this off in ten minutes. The man must've known beforehand, somehow. Just one of those mysteries that surrounded the cook, Kanda supposed.

"That smells really good," Lavi's voice brought him back to the present. "Is that chicken?"

"Your nose still works," Kanda said, sitting down on the bed and balancing the container on his legs. He took a spoonful of the rich hot soup and tasted it, eyes fluttering closed for a second as the warm flavor burst in his mouth. He had almost forgotten that he himself was a recently released ward of the infirmary, where the food was bland and chalky for various (stupid) reasons. He dipped the spoon again, picking up a large piece of meat, and aimed it toward Lavi's direction.

"Yu I can eat this myself –"

"Just open your damn mouth."

Lavi blinked, then let out a soft laugh. His parted his lips obediently, fingers steadying Kanda's wrist as he swallow the mouthful. Kanda saw the wonder flood his face followed immediately by the look of euphoria. "God, Yu," the redhead mumbled. "What…how…where did you get this?"

"Jerry. Where else?"

"You didn't tell him to put something addictive in here, did you?"

"No, you idiot," Kanda couldn't hold back a smirk. "This is what you get for not eating for four days."

"Technically three and a half, and I was asleep most of the time."

"Whatever."

They lapsed into an almost comfortable silence as Kanda fed Lavi the soup by the spoonful, occasionally stealing some for himself. He could practically see the tension fleeing the redhead's body as he leaned back, sinking into the pillow. The tall-collared shirt Lavi always wore now still made him look stiff, but at least his face was relaxed, and the thin hands had stopped their fidgeting on the sheets.

They were about halfway done with the food when Lavi took in a shaky breath and started talking. Kanda wasn't sure if he was actually talking to him or just talking aloud, where the thoughts that he had bottled up finally had an outlet. He talked about how hard he was training in the Mongolian plateaus, desperate to keep his feelings under wraps as they traveled toward the Gobi desert to avoid Akumas and the Order alike. He talked about how cold Bookman was during the Noah's interrogation, how cold  _he_  was when the person who had practically raised him didn't bat an eye when they broke his bones again and again, how betrayed he felt afterwards even though he knew it was what was expected of a Bookman. He talked about how he had huddled in the blanket in the tent they shared, watching his master light his pipe and feeling the confusion and hate bubble inside him, his memories a mess but his thoughts coherent, and the childish reverence he had for the impartiality of the Bookmen disintegrating like the Ark inside his very human heart.

"What kind of monster would do that? Watch someone he'd raised getting ripped apart and not give a shred of, anything? Even Akuma was better than that. I was nothing to him, not even a speck of dust's worth. They could've skinned me alive or took out my brain ounce by ounce and he would've still sat there like a statue. I understand keeping secrets but this... If this is what a true Bookman is like I don't want to be one, Yu. Not like that."

"Don't be melodramatic," Kanda said, his words colder than what he actually felt. "You've trained your whole life for this. You're going to give up now?"

"Yu," the redhead said, eye pleading. "You have no idea – you don't know what kind of secrets I've kept from you, from everyone. I'm a coldhearted bastard who just got served his own medicine. It's pathetic."

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does –"

"It doesn't –"

"I knew about Alma."

Kanda stilled. Lavi kept talking like he was afraid that the minute he stop Kanda would disembowel him right there. "I knew about you, too. Have known for a long time. I knew exactly where Alma's body was kept in the Order. I knew about your lotuses, the tattoo, your past lives, everything. I didn't tell you because I couldn't without jeopardizing your history and the future. Yu, I really –"

He stopped abruptly, expression perplexed when he saw that Kanda had not reached for Mugen, had not screamed or punched him, hadn't even moved from the sitting position on the bed. The redhead blinked, then blinked again. His expression turned incredulous as the silence ticked by.

"You…you knew." Realization dawned, and the green eye widened so much Kanda could clearly see the pinprick of the pupil. "You  _knew_."

Kanda sighed. He closed the lid of the soup bowl, reaching over to put it onto the nightstand. "You really are an idiot," he chided softly, shaking his head.

"But…how?" Lavi scoffed, suddenly angry. "And why didn't you say anything?"

"Why didn't _you?"_

"I wanted to! I've wanted to tell you ever since we got together but I couldn't! Why did you think he had condoned us? As long as I kept these secrets I could remain properly detached. I don't know how many times I've thought about coming clean but it was not – God, Yu, I was terrified and miserable and now, now you tell me that I could've just –"

"I didn't realize it back then," Kanda snapped, his own anger rising. "I only figured it out after we fought - if his body was kept here then you and Bookman  _had_  to know about it. Why the fuck are  _you_  getting so upset? You're the one who kept Alma away from me for so long."

The room was deathly silent as they stared at each other, mired in misplaced guilt and frustration arisen from ineluctable circumstance. Lavi's teeth were clenched against his lip while Kanda tried his damndest not to draw Mugen on someone he had just dragged back from the edge. There were so much to discuss, explain, apologize, confess, that neither one could find the right words to bridge the gap, and soothe the freshly ripped wound between them.

It was Kanda who finally looked away. He clicked his tongue, a "tch" on his lips, as he stood up from the bed. Lavi leaned back against the headboard, letting out a long, defeated sigh.

"Well," the redhead said. "At least it's all out now. No more secrets. Never thought I'd say that and mean it; wouldn't he be proud?"

Kanda gave him a sideway glance. "You were a good Bookman, Lavi, if nothing else."

"And that was all I ever was." Lavi said, and closed his eye.

 

* * *

 

Bookman Junior officially left the clan on a windy February morning. The ceremony took place atop the cliffs a few miles away from Headquarters, insulated by thick forests above a raging winter sea. It was a formal affair, and although the ceremony itself wasn't particularly long, the preparation took nearly a week to complete. Bookman had to procure the specific attires from one of the clan's secret carriers, along with a potent herbal concoction for Lavi to ingest three days before the ritual in order to purge himself from impurities. Afterwards Lavi stayed in the infirmary as he went through another day of fasting. He lay on a spare bed, writing in an empty logbook and seeing no one, and only emerged when the hours were up and the ritual was to begin at dawn.

Kanda was fairly convinced that all these prep was just a bullshit way to make the defector suffer. Lenalee agreed, but there was very little the Order could do to interfere. It took her – now officially the Director after Komui's passing – two whole hours of diplomatic discourse to persuade Bookman to reveal the location of the ceremony. Lavi was to become a full Exorcist in the end and that made him official Order business. These were times of war after all, she had argued vehemently. Some concessions had to be made for the sake of safety.

Bookman was much displeased with the arrangement, but even he had to admit the Director's words had merit. However, it was as much as the old man would give. Lenalee had initially wanted to attend herself – the details of the ceremony was complete undisclosed, who was to say that Lavi wouldn't be maimed or even killed by the time it was over? When she couldn't push Bookman any further Lenalee took upon herself to hunt down the next best thing – a bodyguard in the form of the ever-prepared Kanda Yu.

She came to him the evening before, clipboard in hand and a sincere expression on her face. "I don't know what is going to happen and I don't want any surprises," she told Kanda. "No matter what, Lavi is our friend and an invaluable Exorcist. I'm not going to let him be harmed by a bunch of stodgy humans. This is completely against Bookmen protocol but, I trust you can attend without being seen?"

Kanda had to restrain himself from an uncharacteristic bark of laughter. "Don't worry," he said lightly. "I'll be there."

He didn't tell her that he had to be there regardless, as he was part of the ceremony unbeknownst to anyone outside the Bookmen. Lavi had come to him the day Bookman left to meet the clan member, waiting in his room just as he returned from his morning training. It gave him a start; everyone had thought Lavi went with the old man. It looked to be deliberate on the redhead's part.

So he stood there, still sweaty from the exercise, and listened as Lavi explained his request. The Bookmen, those sadistic bastards that Kanda always knew they were, spelled out explicitly in their creed that for anyone to secede, they had to present the cause at the exodus ceremony. It was definitely a bullshit excuse that Kanda thought was purely for revenge.  _You want to leave us? Fine, bring your reason, the_ real _one, and we will pass judgment based on its worthiness._

"No," was Kanda's answer. They both knew he wasn't the cause of Lavi's defection, not really, and if the apprentice didn't want to name his own master as the culprit, well, that certainly wasn't  _his_  problem. Kanda was just a convenient and believable scapegoat, to which the swordsman had only his middle finger to offer as a retort.

"I'm not going to be your smokescreen. Go talk to Bookman."

"Yu, you know I can't do that. Those things I said to you – they're not meant for anyone else, especially not him. Plus, if I were to name him as my reason he'd have to get another member to master the ceremony. I can't afford to wait – if this doesn't happen now it may never happen again."

"Not my problem."

Lavi looked like he was ready to drop to his knees and beg. Kanda kept his composure, letting the redhead pace around his room twice before spinning around to face him again. He saw the mask slip, and what lay underneath was desperate and afraid.

"Yu, please," Lavi did beg. "I swear after this I'll never ask you anything again but please, it can't happen without you."

In the end Kanda consented. His own personal grudges aside, there were bigger things to worry about and he, much like everyone else, did not want the world to end in Millennium Earl's bloodbath. If he did this it'd cement Lavi's spot in the Order and they, so pitifully beaten and outnumbered, would keep a permanent ally. It would be worth it in the end.

Now, he stood a few paces away from the old man and the young apprentice, the ocean waves breaking below and the sun rising in the east. Bookman was dressed in an ornate robe with a matching hat. In front of him was a small wooden table that served as a makeshift altar, onto which had been placed a pot of ink, a brush, and a leather-bound scroll. Lavi had on an intricate golden shawl, the only garment of clothing he was allowed to wear. It reached down to his ankles but the material was so thin that Kanda could see the outline of bones and muscles beneath.

Bookman began to chant in a hymnal language, and soon Lavi's voice joined him, turning the sermon into a rapid exchange of inquiry and reply. After a few minutes the old man beckoned with a finger, and the apprentice stepped forward, stopping in front of the altar and kneeling onto the rocky ground. Kanda bit back a scoff – the sight of the nearly nude body was making him damn uncomfortable in all the wrong places. It was a good thing he had left Mugen out of reach per the ceremony's instructions; otherwise he might just have to start defacing the cliffside just to keep his thoughts in check.

The invocation ceased after a few minutes. Bookman reached down, picking up the brush to dip it into the inkwell. With a quick swipe he disposed of Lavi's eyepatch, revealing the white, dead socket and began to write a string of ancient words above the redhead's eyebrows. The ink dripped trails of black down Lavi's nose and his eyes slipped shut. When he was finished Bookman stepped back, murmuring one last chant before turning to beckon Kanda closer. It was the (fake)  _raison d'être_ 's part now.

Wordlessly Kanda walked up to the duo, stopping in front of Lavi's upturned face. The written characters resembled childish scratches, ancient enough to obfuscate most of their meaning. Kanda raised his hand, gently pressed his thumb onto the forehead, and drew it across the inked skin.

Lavi's eyes fluttered open when Kanda touched him. The green eye followed his finger as it moved, smearing the words into unintelligible whorls of grey. One, two, three passes, and Kanda moved his hand down, smoothing the tip of the nose and the cupid's bow onto the middle of the redhead's mouth. He could feel the dip of the lip and the hard white teeth, and Kanda, for a fleeting moment, wanted to press harder, to shove the finger inside the warm cavern and touch that lying, silver tongue. Beside them Bookman's gaze was heavy and piercing, but the old man held his composure, only his eyes belied his disgust.

To Lavi's credit he didn't move a muscle as Kanda's quite sacrilegious thoughts leaked into the motion of his finger. The gesture was supposed to symbolize reopening a seal, the exact reverse of the induction ceremony Lavi had gone through as a child. When Kanda finally lifted his thumb the ink had covered most of the mouth, leaving only a trace of red at the corners. It slightly reminded Kanda of Allen's clown makeup, only more somber and carried the finality of an apropos end.

Bookman stirred, a sculpture coming back to life. He turned to his former pupil, mouth set to a thin stern line. "I hope you are satisfied," the old man said, voice bitter in the cold wind. "You who have forsaken everything you have ever known," he glanced at Kanda, "for a mere man, not even that, strictly. I truly hope you find it worthwhile."

"Fuck you," Kanda snapped. Now his part was over he no longer had the grace to keep his temper in check. He still ranked higher than the old man in the Order hierarchy, and he wasn't just going to take that clear offense at his personhood. Bookman huffed, turning to pick up the scroll from the altar. He didn't bother to give the two younger men another look as he headed back into the surrounding forest, his robe trailing on the rocky terrain.

With a grunt Lavi got back on his feet. He put back on the eyepatch, half-heartedly wiping away the lines of ink on his face. It only made him look even more ludicrous, so much that Kanda gave him a handkerchief to at least attempt a proper cleansing.

"Thanks, Yu," Lavi said, dabbing the cloth on his face. "I'm sorry about his outburst. That was totally out of line."

"What're you apologizing for, idiot? He was insulting  _you_."

"He has the right to. I failed my apprenticeship. Now he has to find another person and train them from scratch, which may or may not happen during his lifetime. It's not a quick fix, my decision. Of course he's gonna be displeased."

"Your  _mistake_ , you mean." Kanda said, peeved. The fuck was Lavi doing? It was a bit late to entertain thoughts of regret. He crossed his arms, watching the redhead shiver in the cold.  _I didn't come here and do this for nothing, you indecisive fucker._

"No," Lavi stated. "It's not a mistake. Especially not mine."

The redhead's tone gave him pause. Kanda looked up at the man who stood barefoot on the rocks, arms wrapped tightly around himself for warmth. For someone who had grown up knowing only masks and aliases and faked emotions, who had never exposed himself except in the few shared moments that lead to his eventual disillusion, this abrupt deviation had left an almost palpable mark. Kanda could clearly see the uncertainty, camouflaged by sheer determination but still very present. The moment filled Kanda's heart with a rare tenderness. It was suddenly painfully obvious where his priorities now lay.

He reached out, if only to pull the redhead to him, to provide some small relief on this cold winter morning. But Lavi backed up quickly, slipping out of reach once again and clutching the shawl like a piece of armor. "I should go and report in," he said, looking briefly into the woods before turning with a familiar smile. "We're going to be real comrades from now on, yeah? I'll work hard to get my Hammer crystalized – don't want to drag you down in battle."

Kanda stared. That smile wasn't faked but it still left a hollow feeling behind. Lavi waved before he left for the woods. Kanda watched him go, and belatedly realized that he had missed the chance to call him back.


	5. Chapter 5

_Present day_

The tip of Iron Hammer drilled into Jasdevi's chest. The Noah struggled, spreading out his hair to stab at Lavi, who was perched on top of the Hammerhead and pushing down with all of his strength. Kanda spun around them, dual-Mugen an efficient instrument to chop off the ever-regrowing yellow spikes, while Lavi's Seals formed a protective barrier against the rest of Jasdevi's arsenal. "Just…a little…more…" the redhead grunted. They watched the Hammer sink down inch by inch, as Jasdevi flailed and screeched but unable to get out from under its weight.

There was a spark of dark matter when the tip finally pierced through the Noah's beating heart. An inhuman scream burst from its writhing body, and the muddy ground sunk into an impromptu crater as the explosion hit. Kanda shielded himself with a flurry of blades. The Iron Hammer swelled in size, head flattening into a wide oval disk while the shaft extended rapidly up, carrying Lavi's figure into the grey clouds.

When the dust cleared Kanda saw the bodies of Jasdero and Devit crushed beneath the Innocence. The Noah of Bonds had once again split apart, their stigmata fading along with their dark skin. The Hammer shrunk as Lavi landed back on the earth. He walked over to the bodies, cautiously checking to see if they were still alive. Neither moved when he nudged them with his foot.

"They're dead," Kanda stated. "At least, dead enough."

"Just making sure, yeah?" Lavi scratched his head. Golden gears from Miranda's Innocence rotated around his face, healing the cuts and scrapes he had endured from Jasdevi's final attacks.  _More fucking scars,_ Kanda thought bitterly. _Just how much more are these Noahs going to carve out of him? He's barely whole as is._

He didn't have a chance to ponder more before he felt a rumble resonating behind them. The air vibrated as the surrounding sound squeezed into a forced silence, prickling every single hair on Kanda's neck. He spun around just in time to see a massive swarm of maggots surging their way. The bugs were ghostly transparent, flying with the speed of cannonballs yet ethereal enough to look weightless. Each individual maggot was barely the size of Kanda's palm, but they were numerous enough to blanket the sky.

Kanda released the Hell Insects the same time Lavi called up his Fire Seal. Projectiles clashed amidst the flames, turning patches of the maggot wave into roiling balls of charred husk. The bugs swirled around, jabbing their poisonous suckers into Kanda's hands and face. It sent acid into every nerve of his body, and at once Kanda knew the Noah responsible. A snarl of hatred bubbled from the depth of his heart. His field of vision was swarming with wraiths but he still pinpointed the lone figure at the origin of the attack, a stark white skeletal pillar dancing in the wind.

He chanted the activation for the Forbidden Triple Illusion and felt the Ascension taking over his body. The maggots that clung to him were violently dislodged with an expulsion of energy, as Kanda reconstituted Mugen back to its blade form. Beside him Lavi conjured up a massive fire tornado, sucking up the insects along with any weak Akuma close by. He gave Kanda a pointed look, and the swordsman smirked as he dashed into the whirling mass.

The Spiral Cut exploded from Mugen into the siphon of air. The tornado expanded, sucking up its energy and dispersing it into the horde of insects and Akuma. Shafts of light and fire rained down along with ghostly maggot flesh, burning up in tufts of vapor and a nauseating smell of decay. Kanda resisted the urge to cover his nose. Instead he searched for his target, locating the Noah on the other side of the rapidly clearing tornado. His eyes narrowed as he increased his power and charged, like a madman, toward the figure in the distance.

Fiidora was spinning playfully in circles when Kanda cut down with his first strike. The Noah dodged smoothly, long grotesque tongue slithering out like a living rope. It whipped around Mugen's blades, suckers and eyeball protrusions popping out like bullets. They transformed into winged abominations, not unlike the Order's golem, save for the razor beak and sharp, gnashing teeth. Kanda turned his swords around, ignored the attack of the flying nuisance, and instead aimed Mugen directly at Fiidora's chest.

He was an inch away from piercing the Noah's sternum when a hum rattled inside his skull. Vaguely he heard someone yell "Yu!" before the field and sky inverted in front of him, and an unbearable pain shot into the back of his eyes. Kanda screamed, Mugen collapsing in a defense position as he tumbled from the air onto the wet, cold ground. His vision swarmed with yellow bile and green, sticky ichor. A weight pressed down on his chest, choking him. He watched the fuzz in his head coagulated into the vague shape of a room. A chair materialized, all metal and thorns, as two men appeared in conjunction. One was tied to the furniture while the other stood in front, and Kanda immediately recognized Lavi's red hair and Fiidora's billowing ponytail. The vision flickered for a second before coming into sharp focus, and Kanda watched in horror as the Noah grabbed the Exorcist's face, pried open his mouth, and shoved the long writhing tongue down the redhead's throat.

He saw Lavi gag as he struggled to breathe and Fiidora's gleeful grin as he violated him with parasites and acid. Kanda screamed again, this time from frustration and anger. The vision dimmed and dispersed, and Kanda came back to the battlefield with Fiidora sitting on his chest. The Noah laughed as the swordsman tried to move – his arms were melded into the earth and Mugen had vanished from his grasp. His cursed tattoo was in overdrive, trying to heal up his broken limbs, but it would barely begin before an invisible force smashed his bones to pieces again.

"He moaned your name, you know," Fiidora purred. "Not a lot, and only when he was really hurting, but it was so sweet, that sound. Why, I'd do it all over tenfold just to hear it again."

Kanda tasted bile in his mouth and spat it at the Noah. It hit his face but Fiidora only cackled in return. The tongue slithered out of its bloody cavern to coil around Kanda's neck. His airway immediately closed and Kanda jerked, trying to buck the Noah off him. He still couldn't lift his arms, and as the oxygen depleted from his brain he dazedly wondered where his partner had gone. The noise of the field faded into muffled silence as he gasped for air, and the image of the Noah of Corrosion began to bleed into the murky sky above.

He was on the verge of passing out when everything suddenly became loud and chaotic once more. Explosions of Akumas assaulted his eardrums, and the smell of burning flesh wafted up to his nose where the tongue met his skin. There was a tingling sensation in his fingertips and Kanda quickly realized his arms were never broken to begin with, that nothing was weighing them down, and Mugen had been securely in his grip the whole time. Fiidora's face was one of surprise and growing panic. He rapidly tightened his tongue, trying to hasten the swordsman's demise.

Despite the complete lack of air Kanda felt a smirk rise to his lips. He flipped Mugen's edge up, blade glistening with rain and hatred, and stabbed the entire length of his Innocence into that disgusting mouth.


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning:** Some violence, quite a bit of gory descriptions, and angst up the wazoo. Oh, and there's sex, just a touch.

 

 

_Six days prior_

The Earl sent his invitation via the body of Timothy Hearst. The twelve year old was with Miranda when they were attacked. He was killed on the spot, the blue jewel ripped from his forehead while his soul was trapped in an Akuma. Miranda's Time Record prevented the Akuma from disintegrating as they fled back to the Order. Without the jewel the boy's soul couldn't leave, and as Miranda approached her limit he knew it was over. When the time came he thanked everyone, waved goodbye in his good-natured mischief, and crumbled into dust.

The Earl had carved a date and a place into the dead boy's chest. Lenalee called a meeting in the great hall to announce that this was it, the gauntlet had been thrown and they had a week to prepare for it. They were outnumbered and dispirited but there was no way off the path. When the general assembly was over she called the senior Exorcists into Komui's old office, now officially hers and devoid of the mountains of paperwork. To the astonishment of everyone she had only taken two weeks to clean out every single scrap of paper from within. Now the office actually had sofas and chairs and a large table with a tactical map, and a picture of the Lee siblings when they were younger, hanging on the back wall.

The room was surprisingly large once the clutter was gone. Lenalee sat in her brother's chair behind the desk, clipboard ready and quill still wet from signing the (very manageable) pile of forms. The four Generals took up the two couches, with Kanda and Allen in one and Winters Socalo and Klaud Nine in the other. Allen's face was bandaged and bruised, a residual from their last skirmish. The same fight also took one of Socalo's arms along with half of Noise Marie's liver. The blind man, just released from the Infirmary, idly played the strings of Noel Organon with Miranda Lotto beside him wearing her usual frazzled expression. An ancient and tired Bookman took up the only other seat, while Arystar Crowley crouched by the door, not looking at anyone. He had been weeping nonstop since they brought Timothy back, although the sobs had quieted down to an occasional hiccup. No one blamed him for the overwrought emotions; every loss they'd suffered was hard, but the death of children was always the worst.

They were a sorry, defeated bunch and looked it, Kanda thought bitterly. He himself was in pretty bad shape – the fight prior had burnt 60% of his body, gauged out a good chunk of his right lung and left most of his hair in charred bits back on the field. Kanda couldn't remember the last time he had hair shorter than shoulder length, so when he came out of the Infirmary with a cropped soldier cut he was pissed enough to actually break the mirror that revealed it. It probably had frightened a good deal of onlookers – a man shedding blackened skin lashing out at inanimate objects in public was not an easy spectacle to witness. Afterwards he felt so pathetic that he meditated for a day straight, just to stop thinking about his hair and all the rest that was lost with it.

The door swung open as the last of the senior Exorcist rushed in. "Sorry I'm late!" Lavi bowed, giving an apologetic salute to Lenalee as he dashed across the room. "Got caught up by the Science Department."

"What did they want?" murmured Kanda, as the redhead dropped onto the floor by his side of the couch. Lavi only gave him a vague smile as a response.

"Well, now that we're all here," Lenalee stood up from her chair. "Let's get started."

 

 

The battle was to take place on an open field 10 miles outside the nearly demolished London. They were to meet at noon, like a proverbial western dual – eight Noahs versus eight Exorcists, with the Earl and Lenalee at the helm. Without the prophetic power of Road the enemy didn't have too much of an advantage, but the real challenge was to get through the millions of Akuma cannons that stood between them. Lenalee didn't have to say it, but they all knew what that meant for the junior Exorcists. Sacrifices had to be made to ensure the persistence of humankind, and aside from the Heart they simply couldn't spare the worry.

They didn't know the enemy's strategy but Lenalee was counting on the Noahs being a loosely tied family unit rather than a well-trained platoon. No matter what the Earl commanded the Noahs were creatures of the moment, and this capriciousness was the key to the Order's victory. It was rare for Noahs to cooperate as much as Jasdero and Devit, and to an extent, Tyki and Sheril. But they were dangerous enough alone. Aside from Kanda and perhaps the older Generals, a one-on-one with a Noah, any Noah, almost certainly spelled suicide. It was solely with this reasoning that partners were assigned for the battle.

"You must be with your partner at all times," Lenalee dictated, scanning the room for dissident opinions. "I am not saying you cannot help others but your partner always comes first, no matter what happens. I know this is very difficult for you, Miranda, but try to stay within Bookman's attack range."

The woman addressed nodded her head vehemently. She, responsible for the endurance of everyone involved, was to remain in the back, protected by twice as many younger Exorcists along with Bookman's support. Kanda didn't know what magic words Lenalee and Allen Walker had used to convince the old man to stay on their side. He could've easily gone over to the other, or simply sat out the entire conflict altogether. Noahs wouldn't bother with him, and the Order had zero jurisdiction over Bookmen affairs.  _They offered Lavi's head, perhaps?_  Kanda sneered, a trifle malicious.  _Or better, his raw, bleeding hear_ t.

He didn't particularly care who he was partnered with. Unlike most of the others he could take on a Noah alone; it would actually be better to give the extra person to protect Miranda. When Lenalee paired his name with the redhead's Kanda wasn't the slightest bit surprised. Lavi, however, had the exact opposite reaction.

"Director, I'm sorry, but I object."

All eyes turned to him, Kanda's included. Lenalee tilted her head, annoyance plain on her face. The position of power had given her a much shorter temper, although she kept it in check well enough. "Lavi," she said, her voice deliberately mild, "we have gone over the assignment many times. The two of you are very well matched ability-wise. This isn't something we came up with on a whim."

"I understand that, Director. It's just…my Hammer hasn't...it's better if Yu has someone on par with him, I don't want to drag him down."

It was true that Lavi's Iron Hammer still hadn't shown any sign of crystallization. The Science Department had gone over the Innocence and discovered that the synchro rate, for whatever reason, hovered just above 90%. It wasn't that huge of a deal – the only other Exorcist who had crystalized Innocence besides Lenalee and Kanda was Miranda. It came as quite a surprise, when out of nowhere the woman began to glow as she was making her way to a table at the cafeteria. They had a food shortage for a week afterwards, her elation translated into a surplus of energy for everyone in the room. Even Jerry could not handle hundreds of people suddenly sporting appetites that rivaled Allen's.

So Lavi wasn't wrong to say that Kanda probably had to spend more effort to protect him. But Kanda would have to do that for anyone, except maybe, as much as he hated to admit, the beansprout Allen. However, General Walker had the all-important duty to protect Director Lee. Lavi's objection would have been almost sound, if everyone didn't already know what had happened at the Bookman ritual, and the general state of things between the two of them.

When the only response was a bellow of Socalo's haughty laughter Lavi tried again. "Look, I know what you're all thinking but it's not because of that. We haven't worked together in years. I haven't seen the last two of his Illusions and he doesn't even know the elements of my new Seals. We are not a good team right now, and this battle shouldn't be a testing ground for our partnership."

"A lot of us haven't worked like this, either," Allen interjected. "You're not the only ones who have to adjust."

"Yeah but you all have been fighting alongside for much longer. The only recent time I've even been on the same fight as Yu was when Komui…we weren't even on the same floor then."

"Then we better get started," Kanda cut in abruptly. He ignored the look Lavi gave him and turned to Lenalee. "Is there anything else I need to know?"

"No," she answered definitively. "You are free to go, General Kanda."

He prodded Lavi with Mugen's tip when he stood up. The redhead sighed, then reluctantly got to his feet.

"Where're we going?"

"Where else? To spar."

 

* * *

 

"You really didn't have to hit me with that, you know."

Kanda grimaced as the sting of disinfectant soaked into the cut on his back. He heard the tear of gauze behind him, and soon the warm goo of the medicine strip covered the wound. He hissed, missing terribly his old healing speed. The tip of the Iron Hammer had sunken in deep, but if it were even half a year ago the cut would've been a shallow reminder of what it was in a few hours. Now an entire day had passed and blood was still seeping out of what he could only presume to be a nasty laceration. He hadn't looked at it yet and didn't really care to, only hoped it would completely heal in time for the final battle.

"You were the one complaining about never seeing my higher Illusions," Kanda replied, a small smirk on his face.

"I didn't think you'd use it in a  _sparring_  match," Lavi pressed the bandages hard enough to make him flinch. "Your lifeline isn't something to be wasted like that, not to mention you could've actually killed me."

"We're both still here."

"That's not the poin – god, never mind." Lavi threw up his hands. Kanda almost felt bad for being difficult. Almost.

"Turn around. I want to see the damage."

"What damage?"

"Your tattoo. I still have the trained eye, Yu. I'll know how much life you've just wasted."

"It won't show," Kanda huffed, annoyed. If Lavi thought he could really see the miniscule changes made from his albeit impulsive decision he was welcomed to try. The movement sent a jolt of pain down his back, but fortunately Kanda could feel a familiar warmth as it began to ebb away. About time, he seethed. Stupid useless curse.

They all had been running grueling drills for the past three days. Allen's unintended wisdom had struck a chord – most of the Exorcists had not worked together this closely, and even though the Innocence match was optimal the teamwork needed much more fine-tuning. Kanda had spent hours getting used to the distance Lavi's new Seals could cover, and Lavi had gotten lightheaded from trying to keep track of the trajectory of Kanda's new projectiles. The seamless partnership they had before was in shambles, so much that Lenalee had forbidden anyone else to train in the same room for fear of the collateral damage from their unpredictable combined powers.

Eventually they arrived at a point where they began to complement each other again. Not nearly as well as Kanda would've liked, but it was sufficient for now. It was why at the end he released his Fifth Illusion without reserve. If Lavi were to be critically injured just from him then they might as well kiss the final battle goodbye.

He should've realized what putting an Exorcist in a real panic meant. Kanda didn't even see the Hammer before it struck him, the usually large monstrosity stretched into a thin, almost invisible needle. It wrapped around, tearing through his back muscle and knocking him flatly out of the air. His energy beams went haywire as he fell, rendering the training room into rubble and caught the attention of everyone within earshot of the boom. He landed on his back, breath knocked out, as chunks of debris rained down in a choking haze.

Kanda didn't remember ever seeing Lenalee so angry. She stomped into the Infirmary where he had lain, immobile from broken bones and reeked of blood and medical tape, and burst into tears while she screamed at his stupidity. When Kanda calmly reminded her that it was Iron Hammer that had put him here, and that Lavi had gotten away with just a dislocated shoulder and a light ankle sprain, Lenalee's face grew cold.

"Oh please, Kanda," she didn't even bother wiping her face. "You baited him with both of your lives. How was he supposed to react?"

Her words echoed in his head as he checked himself out of the Infirmary half a day later. Most of his injuries were beginning to heal except for the stubborn gash on his back. Probably because it was an Innocence-caused wound, which didn't make it any less annoying. He was contemplating on how to change his bandages without twisting his torso too much when there was a knock on his door. Opening it revealed the redheaded Exorcist responsible (in Kanda's mind, at least) with a fresh set of dressings tucked under his arm.

"What do you want?"

"Yu, as much as I admire your resolve, I don't think you can quite grow a third arm and re-bandage your back yourself."

Kanda wanted to punch him for that but what he said had some merit. So they settled on the floor of his room (he didn't want to get blood on his admittedly nice bed), Lavi's back to the footboard and Kanda facing the desk that came with the privilege of a General's quarters. Mugen was the only thing occupying the surface of the desk, though; Kanda had grown to hate parchment and papers even more than the bulbous rage of Akuma, no thanks to the person here right now, wiping his hands on his uniform and staring at the cursed tattoo with a too familiar analytical gaze.

The Sanskrit curse had now spread over most of Kanda's torso. The letter itself had taken on a rich violet hue, darkening into black in an outward gradient. The mimicry brushstroke spiraled, encircling his heart in two huge loops that ended just below his jugular. Tendrils of black fire climbed over his shoulder, curving across the spine and encroaching into the opposite scapula. The lowest spike dipped well past his navel into the waistband of his pants. Kanda had no doubt that one day the tattoo would complete the circle and cover him from head to toe. Perhaps that would be the day he'd truly die.

Lavi stared at him with the neutral expression reserved for recording. The green eye narrowed in concentration, pupil slightly dilated as it followed the path of the tattoo. The vibrant red hair – now long enough to reach halfway down his back – cascaded over his shoulder as he leaned forward, errant strands tickling Kanda's bare chest. Kanda took in a breath. If he just dipped his head he could brush his lips against those fiery curls. It was making his pulse quicken, and wisps of heat began to gather downward, tightening his groin into the beginning of a very ill-timed arousal.

"You're right," Lavi said, the suddenness nearly made Kanda jump. "Doesn't look like it changed at all. Well, at least there's that." The redhead leaned back, and Kanda found that he could breathe properly again. He watched the man absentmindedly flexed his shoulders, oblivious to what had just transpired, and made a motion to stand.

Kanda reached up and grabbed the bony wrist. He was fully expecting Lavi to jerk away, adhering to the push-and-pull pattern the two of them had since established. But Lavi was either too tired or truly off-guard. His lack of resistance and Kanda's over-adjusted strength sent him flying backwards, toppling over and landing right into the swordsman's lap.

There was the unavoidable scrambling to re-find balance and squirming out of the clumsy embrace with one hand awkwardly held at an angle and the other barely finding purchase on the space between the footboard and the desk. There was also the inevitable holding, shifting, and seizing that ended with them on the floor in a breathless tangle. But Kanda's wound flared up at the wrong moment and the pain loosened his grip enough for Lavi rolled out from under him. The redhead got to his knees, poised to bolt but Kanda reached out and grabbed ahold of him once again.

"Stop running," Kanda breathed, feeling the tremor that went through Lavi's body. "I'm tired of chasing you. Just how long do you plan to keep this up?"

"Well," Lavi said with forced levity, "the world might end the day after tomorrow, so, two more days?"

Kanda scoffed in response. He leaned forward, and before Lavi could say anything else, claimed the lips that had evaded him ever since the time back in Komui's office. They had been playing this stupid game of pretense for far too long. Now that he'd finally got Lavi where he wanted he was not going to let go.

He kissed until they were both completely out of breath before breaking it off. Lavi's lips were swollen, eye darting around like a trapped animal. Kanda adjusted his grip, just so he could lift a free hand to cup the redhead's jaw.

"What're you afraid of?" he asked softly. "That I'd fuck you? Use you?" A pause. "That I'd hurt you?"

The redhead took in a shaky breath and closed his eye. When he opened it again Kanda saw resignation and a hint of a long lost spark. Lavi shifted, turning to straddle his lap and inadvertently giving swordsman a solid feel of the hardness between his legs. Kanda blinked. His hands dropped down to the curve of the redhead's back, fingers lingering at the hem of the shirt.

"Idiot," Lavi mimicked his mantra. "No."

"Then why?"

Lavi leaned forward and put his head on Kanda's shoulder. His breath was warm on Kanda's ear as he whispered, so quietly that the swordsman barely heard. "Because I might die, Yu. Really, truly die. Back when I was in Noah's hands I asked for death, thought it was nothing compared to what I was going through. But ever since I've been back there's just been so much death, so much grief that I – I've seen what it does to the living. I can't leave you like that, Yu. I  _won't_  leave you like that."

It took a great deal of restraint for Kanda not to strangle the man in his arms. Lavi was stupider than he'd ever expected, so stupid that Kanda would've killed him if he didn't want to fuck him so badly right then. "Unbelievable," he gritted out the words, feeling Lavi stiffen in his lap. "Just unbe _liev_ able. Did it ever occur to you, in that shit brain of yours, that what you're so fucking terrified of happening  _already had_? What the  _fuck_  did you think my past three years had been?!"

At that he abruptly stood up and bodily hauled the redhead onto the bed. Before Lavi had time to react he quickly crawled on top of him and pressed his mouth down once more onto the parted lips. Their tongues intertwined, hot and wet, as Kanda ground his hips down onto the redhead's very present erection. They continued to kiss and touch and feel each other like they had, long ago, when things were simpler and the world hadn't burnt through its hope like a bomb fuse. Kanda trailed his mouth down the pale neck, vaguely aware of Lavi's murmuring and the pulsing of blood in his temples.

"I'm sorry," Lavi threw his head back onto the already rumpled sheets. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for it. I'm sorry, Yu."

Too little, too late, Kanda thought. The stiff shirt collar was getting in his way, so he grabbed a hold of the fabric and with a rough yank, tore the shirt straight down the middle. Buttons scattered all over, rolling off the bedspread and landing on the floor in a clatter. Lavi flinched and instinctively started to cover himself with his hands. Kanda frowned. It wasn't as if they hadn't seen each other naked before. All the tortuous confessions aside, he had never thought of Lavi as a prude about his physicality, no matter what his emotional state had been.

Then his gaze fell onto the body in front of him, and he immediately saw why.

 

 

It was one thing to read descriptions and peruse photographs and another entirely to look at the actual scars spreading across spans of skin. From just above the collarbone down past the hips there was not an un-marred inch on Lavi's body. Nasty gashes and burn marks peppered throughout, some a raised peel and other healed over blisters in various shades of brown and white. A single jagged scar ran from his left shoulder all the way to the upper right hip. It was a reminder of the cavity being crudely torn open, muscle and tissue spilling out in a gruesome bloom, barely held together to keep in the viscera. His navel was one massive cigarette burn, with smaller spots trailing down to the pubic region. When he unbuttoned the white pants it revealed a massive web of crisscrossing scars spread on Lavi's thighs, rough to the touch and repulsive enough to make Kanda look away in disgust.

Details from the reports resurfaced in Kanda's mind. They had put a knife in him here, forever impeding the turn of his left wrist. They shoved a searing hot brand there, where the lump of scar tissue still resembled the shape of the poker. Tyki had shaved off slices from organs and Sheril had broken every single rib from simply stretching the muscles until the bones caved in. It rightfully astonished Kanda that they didn't pull off Lavi's fingernails, had left his nipples and genitalia intact, and never once subjected him to sexual assault. The whims of the Noahs, Kanda supposed, and a sign that somewhere, someone cared enough to grant a pittance of mercy.

When he looked back at Lavi's face all he saw was a desperate attempt to smile. "Figured we'll get here sooner or later," the redhead said. "I was hoping at least the lights'll be off when we do, yeah?"

Kanda only shook his head. To see the entirety of Lavi's scars right away meant they had fewer secrets to trudge through later, something Kanda distinctly preferred. He ran his fingers down the length of Lavi's torso, hands spreading to pull the redhead up in a loose embrace. When he reached the back his fingertips grazed against a string of rough nodes alongside the dip of the spine. From the feel of it the pattern was uniform, and the gasp it drew from Lavi's lips when he pressed them was something of concern.

"What's this?" Kanda asked. He didn't remember anything in the report about it, and it was too surgical to be something Lavi had recently acquired without his knowing.

Lavi's smile more resembled a grimace. "Scars. Just like all the others – ow, not so hard. Noahs didn't do it, though. This is 100% Science Division's work – Yu, I said not so hard! – to get the parasites out, you know?"

What Lenalee had said the first day outside Komui's office came back to him. He had seen the machines but never really thought about their permanence until now. He traced his fingers up and down the spinal length, hearing Lavi's breath catch as he did. There was a steady thrum beneath the skin like the vibration from an electrical instrument. It took him a minute to realize he was feeling the rush of blood pulsing through the veins.

"Do they still hurt?" he asked.

"Unless you pinch them, no. They're mostly healed but I was told they could burst from too much trauma and I might bleed out. Kinda hard to avoid in our line of work, but, well, I'll sure try."

"…Flip over."

Lavi hesitated, but in the end did what was asked. There were two broken lines running down each side of his spine column, similar to a stitching pattern on clothing. The top and bottom were tapered into triangular ends, stopping right below the hairline and above the tailbone. Kanda narrowed his eyes. He thought about the pain it must've caused as the blades slowly rolled down Lavi's back, and felt his hands reflexively curl into fists.

"Relax, Yu, they saved my life," Lavi said, perfectly aware of his actions. "They're sturdier than you think. I mean your Fifth Illusion didn't even pop them, I doubt most Akumas could."

Kanda gently touched the black, even bars, reminiscent of ink drawings save for its smooth texture. It was warm to the touch and throbbed lightly to the beat of Lavi's heart. He pressed his thumb to the lower arrowhead and Lavi moaned. Kanda leaned down, starting a trail of kisses up the spine, nipping and licking and watched the redhead predictably started to squirm.

"Yu, now you're just being a…terrible…tease…mmh…"

Lavi's half-hearted protests subsided to muffled noises as he gave into the sensation. Kanda felt his cock stiffen against the arching back, intimate and warm and intoxicating. He gave the spine one more lick before flipping him back around. He kicked off his own pants – the last shred of clothing left between the two of them – and settled himself between the parted legs.

Everything after was as clumsy as expected of two people years out of practice. It was messy and slow and truth be told, a lot less arousing than Kanda wanted it to be. But in the end it had ceased to matter when he buried himself inside his lover's body. As they fall in and out of the familiar rhythm, Lavi's panting breath next to his ear and scarred skin rubbing against his own smooth, flawless body, Kanda, for the first time in three and a half years, felt glad to be alive.

 

* * *

 

Kanda woke up to an empty bed and sunlight streaming through the window. It took him a second to remember why he was squished against the wall with only half of the covers, but when he did the memory brought an almost imperceptible smirk to his lips. He stretched, feeling an ache down his back. The cut still hadn't quite healed but it was significantly better than the day before.

He could hear the trickling sound of water behind the door to the bath. He had taken a shower the night before but Lavi had passed out right after their second round. Kanda didn't blame him; if his wound hadn't started bleeding he would've never gotten out of bed himself. The comforters were a little sullied by his blood, but everything needed to be washed anyway, so it didn't make that much of a difference.

He stretched for a moment before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and padding naked across the room. When he opened the bathroom door hot steam and the sound of humming flowed out from the shower. Lavi liked to pick up folks songs on his travels, and Kanda always found this musical quirk of his a rare charming trait. He turned on the faucet, splashing cold water on his face. The humming trailed off, replaced by a cheerful greeting from behind the bath curtains.

"Good morning, Yu," Kanda could practically hear the grin. "Did you sleep ok? Nothing's hurting, I hope."

"Shouldn't that be my question?"

A chuckle. "Well, it's not like you've had sex all this time either."

"…That obvious?"

"Uh, yeah."

Kanda was going to give a nasty remark about whose fault it was but a loud pounding from outside interrupted their banter. He swore under his breath, wondering who it could be at this early hour, then immediately chided himself for being complacent. The world might end the day after tomorrow, of course there'd be a slew of business waiting for a General like him.

The shower shut off and the curtain was pulled back. Under the incandescent bulb Lavi's scars were no less ghastly but more subdued. As he stared Kanda finally felt the facts sink in. His lover had gone through hell and back, but despite everything he was now standing in front of him, wet from his shower and smelled of his soap, and giving him that familiar smile once again.

The pounding outside rudely interrupted Kanda's thoughts. " _What_?" He yelled toward its direction, beyond irritated as he stalked back into the bedroom. Haphazardly he pulled on a clean pair of underwear and pants, then violently jerked the outer door open.

He was met by a startled Allen Walker in full uniform. "The fuck you want, moyashi?" Kanda growled, sending death stares toward the short General.

"Geez, someone sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Allen eyed him warily. "If I didn't know any better I'd say I've interrupted something more important than saving the world."

Kanda made a motion to slam the door but Allen grabbed a hold of the wood before he could. "Lenalee just called for a briefing. I'm supposed to tell you and get you over there. I don't know why she thought you needed a chaperon but – whoa, what happened to your bed? And your room?"

Allen took a step to cross the threshold but Kanda blocked him with an outstretched arm. The swordsman gave Allen a pointed look, and realization dawned as the white-haired boy let out an unnecessarily loud exclamation. He pointed a finger at Kanda's nose, stammering nonsense as a flush rose to his cheeks. The theatrics made Kanda reflexively reach for Mugen. Unfortunately the weapon was still sitting in its scabbard on his desk, despairingly out of reach.

"Whah you, you got laid! Holy smokes you actually - of _course_ the day before we all go off to die you – who is it? Is he still here – wait," Allen suddenly blanched. "Oh no. Oh. No. Don't tell me it's –"

He walked into Kanda's arm. When it didn't budge Allen rolled his eyes and slipped under, fully utilizing his lack of height advantage. Kanda made a second grab but the Innocence arm easily deflected the attempt. Kanda cursed and kicked the door closed. It was useless to stop Allen now but he could at least keep an entire hall of passersby from peeking into his now inconveniently no-longer-private affairs.

The bathroom door swung open before Allen could cross to it, revealing Lavi with his eyepatch in place and dressed in one of Kanda's shirts. The white-haired boy groaned, to Kanda's puzzlement, his normal hand shot up to cover half his face.

"Well, good to see you too, Allen," Lavi threw the man a wide grin before turned toward Kanda. "Hope you don't mind me borrowing a few of your things, Yu, since mine are kind of in pieces. And judging from that soul-crushing disappointment – you just lost the lot, didn't you?"

"I was  _this_ close," Allen lamented. " _This_. C _lose_. Really, you couldn't wait just one more day?"

"It's not like I'm the only one who has a say," Lavi drawled, and watched in amusement as Allen's face turned even redder than he thought possible.

"What the fuck are you two idiots talking about?" Kanda snapped. He disliked being left out of a conversation, although from what he had gleaned he suspected he would like the subject matter even less.

"A bet, Yu," Lavi said, rummaging through the mess on the floor for his pants. "A really predictable but awfully large bet. Been around since I came back, I think. Half the Order thought we'd be screwing each other silly before a week's up, the other half didn't. Started out a small pot but, how much is in it now?"

"More than enough," Allen grumbled. "And it wasn't half, okay? I don't know anyone who's still holding out for you, except maybe Lenalee. Gosh, I've never lost against such small odds before. If Master were still here he'd probably kill me."

Kanda felt an annoying tick starting in his right temple. "Moyashi, are you telling me that, there's a lot on whether we'd fuck before the end of the world and you, of all people, had bet  _against_  us?"

"Stupid Kanda," Allen tsked, unamused. "Of course I did. You acted like he was poison and he acted like you were the plague, anyone with eyes would do the same. What happened? No details, mind you, but didn't you two mortally wound each other in training just yesterday?"

"I wouldn't call it 'mortally' but yeah, pretty much," Lavi answered. "And really, there's not much else to it. Guess Yu just knows the way into a man's heart."

"Well, to be fair, it wasn't your  _heart_  I was trying to get into."

Lavi burst into laughter the same time Allen groaned loudly about hoping to never hear things like this ever again. It felt surreal, the three of them sharing a moment like this on the brink of Judgement Day. Kanda wasn't entirely sure that the tension wasn't getting to their heads. But his heart was strangely calm, and in the back of his mind a voice was telling him that it was okay. That everything was fine, for once. They deserved this moment, this respite, however brief and ephemeral, before the start of the fall.

"Kanda," Allen cleared his throat. "We should get going. Lenalee's waiting."

"You're just afraid of getting kicked out if you piss her off," Kanda replied, blithely ignoring Allen's subsequent outburst and choice protest. He walked to his closet and pulled out a fresh uniform. It wasn't until he noticed Lavi's lack of input that he became aware of the room's sudden silence. He turned and saw Lavi standing motionless by his desk, an open-mouthed shock on his face.

Kanda immediately tensed. "What's the matter?"

"Yu…Look."

Lavi slowly turned toward him. In his outstretched hand lay what should have been the miniscule form of Iron Hammer. However, the familiar toy-like presence of the Innocence was absent. In its place sat a gelatinous, inky cube, shimmering and flickering with the sunlight. Kanda's eyes widened. He exchanged a glance with Allen, who was trying hard to keep a growing excitement from spilling over. Lavi's hands shook as he held onto his transforming Innocence, a single bead of sweat rolled down the side of his face.

"Heh," the redhead's voice trembled. "If I knew that I only had to sleep with you to get the damn thing going I'd have done that months ago."

"And kill the bet early?" Kanda deadpanned, drawing a faltering smile from the other man. "Quit dawdling, moron. Drink it. It is long overdue."

Lavi swallowed. Slowly he brought his hand to his lips. Kanda kept his distance. It wasn't like he was unfamiliar with the process, but the Iron Hammer had always been notoriously unpredictable, and Kanda's self-preservation instinct had kicked in full gear. He reached over to grab Mugen off his desk, stance defensive as Lavi gave the cube a curious yet mistrustful glare, before putting it inside his mouth.

He ingested the black cube in a single slimy swallow. When nothing ominous seemed to happen Kanda saw relief and confusion flooded Lavi's face. The redhead looked between them, a question on his lips but was abruptly interrupted when a wheezing gasp escaped his throat. A violent cough followed as he choked on the black liquid spilling out of his mouth. Kanda watched in horror as Lavi dropped to his knees and clawed at the eyepatch, just moments before the dead white eye burst open with a splatter of dark red.

Allen let out a cry and started to run toward Lavi's side, but Kanda reflexively grabbed his shirt. Allen yelped as he was tugged backwards. When he regained his footing he scowled at Kanda with an intense accusatory glare.

"Kanda, what're you doing? Let me go!"

"Stay put, Walker! There's no telling what'll happen if you touch him."

"Are you kidding me? He's in agony and his blood is  _black_! We need to get him to the Infirmary right away!"

"Kanda is right, Allen-san," an aged voice said behind them. Kanda spun around, dragging along the surprised Allen to see Bookman standing by the room's entrance. In the commotion none had heard the hallway door open. "I would stay away from him until the process is complete."

Kanda was about to challenge the old man's authority when a loud moan interrupted his inquiry. The redhead was curled into himself, half delirious from pain. Rivets of blood seeped from his body, drawn from the re-opened wounds and pumping with the beat of his heart. An inky slime oozed out of his bleeding eye socket and congealed into a thick glob. It swirled and spread, sticky as tar, into the cracks on the floor.

"It hurts," Lavi moaned, his entire body shook with agony. "God, it  _hurts_!"

"The Innocence is purging his body from all influences of Noah," Bookman explained placidly. "The Science Division had done a commendable job expunging the parasites, but machines still have their limits. The remaining traces must be cleansed before a proper Crystallization could begin."

"What the hell are you doing here, old man?" Kanda snapped. He moved to draw Mugen but Allen forced down his hand.

"No need for theatrics," the old man walked forward, unperturbed. "I am here to see my former pupil fulfilling his potential. Nothing more."

He stopped a few steps away from Lavi, careful to not touch any spilled blood. A heavy black steam rose from the slowly churning pool, sizzling with invisible sparks as the color of the liquid gradually began to lighten. Lavi dug his nails into the floorboard, his disparately clear green eye stared intensely as a nebulous ball began to form in its center. Slowly it crept upwards, stretching like malleable clay as it absorbed the blood beneath. A thin stalk formed, no thicker than a pen, while the very top suddenly swelled into the shape of a hammerhead, and shot through the ceiling with a deafening crash.

 

 

Allen thrust up his activated arm, opening it like an umbrella to catch the falling myriad of stones and metal. Bookman didn't move from his spot, although Kanda could see light bending around him in a barrier. No doubt it was from the Heavenly Compass, but exactly what it was doing was beyond the swordsman's care.

He made it to Lavi's side just as the other slumped forward. The Hammer wobbled, teetering dangerously on its hairpin balance. Lavi's head snapped up just as it began to fall. He raised a hand in its direction, fingers twitching in a grasping motion as if he could bridge the distance with his thoughts alone.

It, surprisingly, worked. The Hammer stilled, swinging back into place as its head flattened into a disc against the crumbling ceiling. The stone and metal groaned against its weight. Cracks that fractured the foundation crept through the walls, while chunks of debris fell into the palm of Allen's Innocence. Kanda could hear people shouting outside. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a large slab of stone had blocked the entrance, but he was too busy trying to calm the panicking man in his arms to look properly at the wreck.

There was a loud, decisive boom as the eastern wall split halfway in two, then everything suddenly ceased their movements. In the strained quietness of the aftermath Lavi's labored breaths became the loudest sound in the room. Allen's eyes roamed back and forth, watchful for any signs of relapse. Bookman simply waited with his shield still activated. Kanda kneeled on the blood-slick floor, arms loosely wrapped around Lavi as the redhead waited, wary of the Innocence's instability, before exhaustion finally took over. He collapsed against Kanda's shoulder with a long, relieved sigh.

"Wow, Yu. Was your Crystallizations also this crazy?"

"No, just yours, idiot," Kanda answered. "I should've dragged you outside before you even touched that fucking thing."

"Sorry about your room, and your shirt. I really didn't expect it to be this bad."

"Oh you're going to be a lot sorrier when I'm done with –"

"Kanda!" Allen cut in. "I really think we should get him to the Infirmary now."

Lavi did look like he was barely holding onto consciousness. Kanda ran a hand down his back and came away with bright red palms. "Shit," he cursed, gently pulling Lavi to his feet. Those black nodes near the spine were probably torn open along with the rest of the redhead's old scars. Kanda didn't forget what was said about them the night before. Allen, for once, was rightly to be worried.

Bookman, however, was standing impassively between them and the blocked door, looking as calm as ever. "Move, old man," Kanda commanded, patience wearing thin. He could see people chiseling at the rock from outside, trying to squeeze the medical equipment in.

"He has lost quite a bit of blood," Bookman said. "You should let me take a look."

"The hell I'm going to let you touch –"

"Yu," Lavi interrupted him. "He's right. Whatever happened between Noah and the Innocence inside me probably wreaked havoc on my system. His Needles could help, a lot."

Reluctantly Kanda acquiesced, because Lavi had a point and it looked like it would take them a while to get out of the room anyway. Bookman walked up to his former pupil, needles ready as he slid his old gnarled fingers against the redhead's wrist for the pulse. Behind them Allen gingerly dropped the rubble he was holding into a corner. Lavi watched, face unreadable, only letting out a hiss when the first needle pierced into a pressure point on his neck.

"How'd you know this was going to happen?" the student asked his former master. "Even  _I_  have given up on it, and certainly didn't think it'll be today of all days."

"Some events are written in stone, my boy," Bookman stated. "Once a certain point has passed it is futile to go against the tide. Had your heart been fragile you would've perished from the Innocence's Judgment. Despite being a false reason," he glanced at Kanda. "I am glad to see that he had not failed you."

The two Exorcists openly stared as the old man continued his leisurely pace, inserting the thin needles in a controlled flourish. Color was slowly coming back to Lavi's cheeks, and Kanda could feel tendrils of warmth returning to the hand he was holding. The ceiling crackled and popped, but the Hammer held steady.

It was Lavi who asked the evident question. "But…why did you go through with it if you knew?"

"I am a Bookman," the aged man explained, his voice mild. "I do what I must. Even if it causes pain, if it meant the world would stand a better chance to survive through its history, then it shall be. You simply had a different path, despite my efforts. It is regrettable, for your mind is extraordinary, but I do not wish you ill." He looked around at the three men. "Do not waste the life that so many had tried and failed to destroy. This applies to all of you."

"Not really our call, old man," Kanda said.

"Ah, but that is where you are wrong, Kanda," chided Bookman. "It is  _always_  your call."

 

_to be continued..._


End file.
